Research was done to try to identify predictable stages of development in the stepfamily experience. Called the Stepfamily Cycle, this theory has seven stages.
Stage One is the Fantasy Stage, in which parents (step-parents) have positive fantasies about parenting their mate's children. They expect to love and nurture their stepchildren, or perhaps to help "heal" their loss.
Stage Two is the assimilation or "immersion" stage in which step-parents experience a period of considerable confusion, anxiety, and disorientation because of unexpectedly negative feelings of jealousy, resentment, shame and self blame. At this stage a stepmother may feel "outside" the parent-child relationship that exist between her new husband and his children. His relationship with them may be stronger than his relationship with her.
Stage Three is the awareness stage, in which step-parents begin to sort out their feelings and put names to their experiences. They admit they can't do it all. Often this is the first time they are able to verbalise their feelings.
Stage Four is mobilisation, in which step-parents begin to speak up for themselves and make their demands known. It is usually a period of considerable conflict.
Stage Five - Action - the family group begins to move away from being a primarily biologically organised group toward being a functioning stepfamily. Step-parents at this time begin to form more satisfying relationships with their stepchildren, relationships not dependent on the spouse for approval.
Stage Six is contact, in which the stepparents engage in more intense and satisfying one to one contacts with both their stepchildren and their spouses. For instance, the stepmother and father develop a stronger bond, which diffuses the father's bond with his children but at the same time "allows" the stepmother to begin to establish relationships with her stepchildren. As the bond between parents becomes stronger, the stepmother can establish more intimate and satisfying relationships with her stepchildren.
Stage Seven is resolution, in which the step-parent is able to "hold on" to and yet "let go" of the stepchild, while experiencing a solid primary adult-couple relationship.
Altogether these stages take from four to seven years, about four years in "fast" families, seven in "average" families. Some families take longer.
Every stepfamily is different, there are not time restraints placed upon them to reach the final stage.
Where would you place yourself? What stage have you reached?