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Tips for Stepfamilies Print E-mail
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Tips for Stepfamilies
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Tips for Stepfamilies by Emily & John Visher founders of Stepfamily Association of America

1. Start out in your own new place if at all possible. This will make for many fewer "turf" squabbles, hurt feelings, and more ability to rid yourselves of the ghosts of the past.

2. Do not expect stepfamilies to be like first marriage families. There are characteristics that make them different, that bring their own challenges and rewards. For example, they are formed after relationship changes and losses; adults and children already have ideas about how family life should run; they are at different places in their life (e.g.--a man with three children may marry a woman who has never had any children); parent-child relationships existed before the couple relationship was formed. There is a parent in another household and many children go between their two homes. These characteristics can add a richness and diversity to the family and give the couple time on their own when children are in their other household.

3. Ease in -- let things develop gradually. Relationships do not develop on demand. Trust takes time, and initially for the adults it is usually a strange and unfamiliar world and for most children it seems like a Star Wars Planet occupied by aliens. Don't be surprised if it take 4-6 years to feel comfortable.

4. Develop new traditions. These hasten the sense of belonging and connectedness as you develop familiar "rituals" and special celebrations to. We recently read of a wonderful tradition for stepfamilies: a celebration "dinner for "firsts" "...when Suzy first learns to read, Charlie gets his driver's license, a parent makes a hole in one.

5. Negotiate differences -- don't fight over right and wrong. Whether or not the dog sleeps at the foot of the bed or in the garage is not right or wrong but simply two different expectations.

6. Share past family histories. This is a good way to get to know and understand each other better.

7. Stepparents should take on parenting roles very slowly. Stepparents need to build relationships with stepchildren before attempting to set limits for them. With teens this type of interaction may never be achieved. This means the biological parent needs to be especially aware of setting limits.

8. Form a solid couple bond. When couples have a good relationship they are able to work together on meeting the needs of the children. This reduces the parents' feelings of being caught in the middle between the children and the new partner.

9. Develop and maintain relationships on a one-on-one basis. Having special, planned, one-on-one time allows relationships to grow and be nourished. Parent-child, stepparent-stepchild, and couple all need their special times together, playing a game, reading a story, going to the store, driving to school, going for a walk.


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