Stepfamily Association

Stepmums

Families in a second family are now so common there are a variety of ways of being a stepmum. The role you take with your stepchildren will depend on how young they are and also the strength and nature of their relationship with their father and with their birth mother. If children are older and have a strong relationship with their mother you are more likely to become an important adult in their life. On the other hand if they are young and need more mothering and caring, the lines between ‘step' and ‘mother' are likely to be more blurred.

Just because you have been given the title of ‘stepmother' you don't have to be anyone other than who you are. When stepfamilies come together, everyone has to make changes and this often makes children angry. Be patient, accepting and understanding, while remembering you are a person with rights too. If there are any difficulties to sort out with your partner regarding his children, discuss this with him when the children are not present.

What you can do

• Give children time to get used to you - any relationship requires time to build. 

• Discuss issues about the children as much as possible with your partner and work out together how to deal with them.

• Give children some time to be with their dad without you, so they don't need to compete with you.

• Leave most of the discipline to their dad, particularly at first.

• Have family meetings if the children are old enough, where you work out rules and consequences together.

• Encourage them to see their mother if she is available to them.

• Make sure you make special time with your own children.