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· Stepparents must move slowly with the stepchildren. Remember most of
the time the children didn't ask you to be there. You are intruding
into their world, a place of familiarity and security. · If you are having problems with the stepchildren, discuss these problems with your spouse privately, not within earshot of the children. Keep in mind that children are nosey and will listen through the walls. · Regardless of your feelings about your biological counter-part, don't make derogatory comments about the other parent to the children. This is alienating and damaging to the child and your relationship with the child. The child will usually want to defend the targeted parent but will avoid saying anything because that's easier than confronting you. Children live by a simple principle, went uncomfortable, avoid. Don't be fooled by their silence. You will probably not hear their thoughts. They will have opinions and feelings about what you say. You just won't know what they are thinking. · Your stepchildren still need time alone with their biological parent. Don't always feel like you have to be involved with what they are doing. · Until the children know and accept you, don't be overly demonstrative with their parent. Kids watching the two of you cuddle and kiss can be embarrassing and "gross" (That's what the kids tell me)." · A biological parent's feelings will be influenced by what the children say about you. Kids, like adults, are quicker to complain than say good things, especially if they believe their mother doesn't want to hear about what a wonderful person you are to them. Don't be overbearing when communicating with the biological parent. Be pleasant and maintain self-control over your feelings. If there are important issues to be discussed with the biological parent about the children, biological parents rather than you should have these conversations. Perhaps after a period of time and you develop a good relationship with the biological parent; you can become a more active participant. I have found that many problems with stepmother is when the stepmother become overbearing, tries to take control while the father passively sits by and says nothing. · Do not expect to just take over the management of the house and set the rules when you move into your new spouse's home. Rules and expectations about each family member's responsibilities must be discussed and negotiated. If a new stepparent moves in like a bulldozer and plans to rebuild the family structure and values, he or she is heading for big trouble with both the stepchildren and new spouse. Stepparents must move slowly and be sensitive to everyone's feelings. · Children should not be expected to keep your secrets. Assume that what ever you do in your household, they will tell their biological parent. After all, what is it you do in your house that the world would care about? · Your stepchildren come from a very different world than what you are familiar with. They were possibly exposed to different values. Don't go into this step parenting thing with the idea that you know best and you are going to remake the children into what you think is best. First of all, you don't have this right and secondly, you will be heading for disaster. Source: Step-Parents http://www.parentalalienation.com/stepparents.htm |
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