| What Can We Do To Support our Stepparent friends |
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What Can We Do To Support our Stepparent friends What can we, as friends and family of people in step families do to support and encourage them ? What can we bring to their lives that will make their new life's journey a little smoother ? 1. We Can Listen Allowing a loved one to vent in a safe environment is a wonderful gift we can give. Becoming a step parent is a new path and one that doesn't have an instruction book. By giving them a safe place to talk we can help release some of the pressure. Humans need to talk its one of those things we do to feel better. 2. We Can Do Something Special for Them Go over and offer to help with the house work. Better still do the house work and send the overloaded step mum off for a massage or a facial. Go over and do the lawns , wash the car or take the new step dad out for a game of golf , sailing, or the football. Offer to mind the kids one night and let both of them go out for dinner or a movie. It doesnt have to be a grand gesture, just a gesture from the heart. 3. We Can Make Them Feel Important. With an instant family, comes the realization to the newly - wed step parent that they can not always be number one priority. At a time when most newly - weds can be alone together, step parents have children and pets, and sports days ,to school plays and concerts, and are often hungry for some acknowledgement . You can help your loved ones by reinforcing just how important they are. From an outsiders point of view, I see that becoming a step parent to your spouses children means you are important. Few people will share their children with someone who isnt important to them, let alone ask you to become a permanent member of the family unit. So are you important ??? I dare say you are vitally important. 4. We Can Celebrate Their New Family Their new family may not be what you'd envisaged for them, all the same celebrate it. Celebrate their milestones as the acknowledgement from you will be important. They will feel valued as will their new family. Celebrate birthdays and anniversaries and let your loved one and their new family see your support , love and encouragement. This will help the new step parent feel les isolated from their earlier life and will also help the step family as they see you accept them as an important part of the new family. 5. We Can Remain Steady and Consistent Our loved one's life has been turned around and nothing is the same. We all need some consistency in our lives to help us cope with major changes good or bad. They need to know that you are still there and that you haven't changed even though their life has. They need to know that you remain committed to them, so don't change your routine unless it is agreed it is for the best. If you used to meet once a month for lunch then do your utmost to continue. They need to know that amongst all the changes there are familiar things going on in their lives. It will help them feel less overwhelmed and help them see that their old life didn't disappear when they slipped on the wedding ring. 6. We Can Become Informed. We can read books, attend courses, join web groups . Most importantly we can talk to our loved ones, their spouse , their new family and be honest. Tell them what we don't understand, let them know that you are interested in gaining as much insight as we can. This will show them that we are committed to them and to their new life. It will also help us feel less helpless and will break down some of the barriers that could form. The more you stay informed , the less chance of judgement accidental or otherwise and the less chance of ruining our friendship. 7. We Can Be Wise With Our Words and Actions. The truth is we don't know how our friends feel. We don't understand the pain and confusion. So we must be careful with out words. Our words can bring much needed comfort or bring further feelings of judgement or misunderstanding. We need to be honest when we don't know what to say and let them know that you need them to help us. Remember that actions speak louder than words. Our actions need to reflect the way we feel and the way we want our loved ones to feel when we are around. Honour them with wisdom of speech and actions. Most of all we need to give them love, and we need to give them time. Love them no matter what they are going through for Love is the one thing we all need. Give them time. We all have time to invest in something worthwhile and I dare say our loved ones are worth the wait ! Our friendship is also important. It is love and friendship that will equip our loved to keep walking the path they have chosen. Never know one day it could be you who is the new step parent and you will be needing love and support . © Kirsten Noble 2003 |
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