| Ten Commandments for Stepparents |
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Page 1 of 2 Based on their own experiences as stepparents and their work with
stepparenting couples and groups, Sharon and James Turnbull offer ten
commandments for stepparenting. These guidelines were developed to facilitate familiarity with and appreciation for some of the conflicts and stresses faced by stepparents. Provide neutral territory. Each child needs a place to call his/her own. When two sets of children are brought together, one group of children may think of themselves as the subfamily unless an effort is made to allow each child a space of his/her own. Don't try to fit a preconceived role. Each parent is an individual and the children will need time to get used to you. Be honest and straight with them. Make every effort to respond intelligently and kindly but remember children are good at detecting phoniness. Set limits and enforce them. You and your partner need to work out rules in advance and need to support each other when these rules need to be enforced. Keep the rules simple and few in number at the beginning. Fighting between you and your partner can really complicate things and children will try to take advantage of any fighting that does occur. Allow an outlet for the child's feelings for the natural parent. Children need to express their feelings for the natural parent without being made to feel disloyal. Expressing love for a missing natural parent should not be looked on as rejection by the stepparent. Expect ambivalence--children will show both love and hate for the stepparent. Ambivalence is normal in all human relationships. In the stepparent-child relationship it may be heightened because of the child's concern about being disloyal to the natural parent. |
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