| Inviting His Ex-Wife to Thanksgiving: The Curse |
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Inviting His Ex-Wife to Thanksgiving: The Curse Published on 25/11/03 at 11:53:32 ACST submitted by dmiller Last year I invited my husband's ex-wife to Thanksgiving at my house and hosted his family for dinner. It was an invitation I came to regret as my in-laws quickly became "out-laws" in the months following my ill-fated burst of hospitality. It was my first holiday with my husband's family and we had only been married for three months. In the two years we dated, I never attended a holiday meal with my husband's family. I felt like I was fumbling around a murky historical stage - where all the actors had the script except for me. I found little wisdom to guide me on etiquette for the occasion. In the aftermath of most divorces, ex-wives do not continue attending Thanksgiving dinner with their ex-in-laws. In many stepfamilies, holiday meals are a tangled web of multiple meals - with children shuffled in between households. I was new to "the family" and desperately wanted to be liked. I knew before we got married that his ex-wife was included in "family" holidays. Since she and I had managed to get along well so far - attending swim meets and school events together for the kids - I reasoned that Thanksgiving could be without incident. Unbeknownst to me, my in-laws were conspiring to become "out-laws." My husband's sisters pressured him to continue including his ex-wife in family events, because "he divorced her, they didn't." The thought of his gossipy sisters plunked in a corner gorging on pie and muttering about me, the step-witch, was enough emotional blackmail to tip the scales in favor of an invitation. It was "our" holiday to have the kids, and her house is only two miles from ours. She has no family in this area. I knew that my stepchildren - who I very much wanted to like me - would be upset if their mother were alone on the holiday. Why not stack the odds for a successful event in my favor with a one-time invitation? In a very naïve way, I hoped that by being gracious to his ex-wife and extending an invitation to her when I didn't have to, that my courtesy would be returned to me. She has never said a harsh word to me. So we invited her and she said how much she appreciated it. On the big T-day, we spoke politely to each other and the event was miraculously uneventful. But my Thanksgiving invitation to his ex soon became a curse. "The family" interpreted my dinner invitation as an open license to include his ex in every gathering year-round. I never got the freedom to develop relationships with "the family" independently from his ex. She hovered nearby, ready to share "old times" and passively maneuver to safeguard "her" children. My stepchildren were stuck in an icy awkwardness, obligated to be with her at "family" events because they didn't want her to be alone, and afraid that if they showed any affection for me or their dad they would be disloyal to their mom. Stuck at a card table in the frozen out family tundra, I felt like the third wheel on my husband's first marriage. My in-laws behaved like full-blown out-laws. During my father-in-law's funeral, one of his siblings repeatedly introduced his ex-wife to guests as if she were still his wife - in front of me. When my husband and his five siblings gathered for the first time in a decade, no one thought it was unusual to expect me to stand with his ex-wife in a "family" photo of their spouses. It bothered me that my husband's siblings defined his ex-wife as a member of "the family" and their inconsiderate behavior irked me. No amount of chocolate and saying to myself in the mirror, "you're his wife and the one he loves and comes home to," could remove my hurt. With the holidays looming, I entered a depressed tailspin around Halloween. My husband urged me to crawl out of my pity party and talk about my feelings. We decided to change the rules and draw new boundaries with his family about his ex-wife and her inclusion in "family" events. Fearful that I would be demonized with his family if he did not play his cards perfectly, my husband laid out the new ground rules with all of the players. The new rules still allow his ex-wife to attend a few "family" events she has always attended - including Thanksgiving, but create more separation. I may be consigned to a lifetime of turkey dinners with my husband's ex-wife, but I'm hoping that I'll soon think of my "out-laws" as "in-laws." A thirty-something wife and stepmom to three teens, Dawn Miller lives in the Washington, DC area. She writes a weekly column on life in blended families at http://www.thestepfamilylife.com. Website links about stepfamilies, a free newsletter and a bookstore are available on the site. Readers are welcome to email her at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it |
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