| How to Become a Wicked Stepmother |
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Source: Paul W. Moomaw, PhD Bitterroot Psychological Services I see a lot of stepmothers in my work, and despite the fact that very few of them want to be wicked, a great many of them have wound up in that role. Usually, when I get to know the circumstances I discover that they have worked hard to become wicked stepmothers, all the while thinking they were working very hard to avoid it. Now of course not everyone needs to work at becoming a wicked stepmother. Some just have the innate ability to achieve that status without even trying--women who really dislike kids to begin with; those who are so jealously possessive they can't stand to share their mates with anyone, not even the children; and of course those who are just naturally wicked and evil, especially if they are also very beautiful and regal and possessed of a magic mirror and a good apple poison. But most women aren't really cut out for the job, and they need to train hard to master it. For those, I am offering some useful guidelines on the path to wicked-stepmotherhood. Actually, men can use the same guidelines to become wicked stepfathers, so I will be referring to stepparents from this point on. But interested stepfathers should be aware that they will probably have to work harder at becoming wicked, because they don't have the support of centuries of cultural stereotyping that stepmothers have. After all, how many fairy tales have you ever heard that had wicked stepfathers as the villains? First, from the moment you enter the new household, insist that the kids think of you, and talk about you, as their parent, not their step-parent. This helps them see you as a trouble-making, interfering invader from outer space. Next, it is very helpful to marry someone who is still emotionally entangled with the previous spouse. You can't always tell if that is the case, but there are ways you can increase the odds. For instance you can pick a person who has been divorced less than a year, preferably one whose divorce isn't final yet pending a property or custody dispute. It also helps to pick someone who can't talk about his or her former spouse without a great deal of anger and emotion. Surest bet of all is someone who has at least one telephone fight per week with the ex- spouse. This helps guarantee that the children will still be in an emotional uproar, angry and confused, difficult to deal with, and nowhere near accepting the reality of the divorce. You can pretty well insure yourself the role of intruder that way. Get involved in the tangle yourself. Take sides. When your mate complains about the former spouse, provide a lot of vocal support, and make sure it's within earshot of the children. Point out to the kids all of the things you do for them that the absent parent doesn't do. Make sure the telephone has an extension, so that when there is a phone fight you can get on and pitch in your two cents worth. Even better, have more than one extension so the kids can listen in, too. Whenever the kids say something positive about the absent parent, accuse them of hating you and not appreciating the effort you are making. Make it clear to them that any affection they show toward that parent is a sign of disloyalty to your mate. The kids will understand very quickly that you are trying to alienate them from the other parent, and they will hate you for that. Finally, put your new family, especially the kids, ahead of your own needs any time you have a choice. Try to be the perfect stepparent--understanding, loving, compassionate and kind. Then be sure to go around expecting gratitude, or at least a modicum of appreciation, from the children. This will serve two purposes. First, because of their own loyalty conflicts, the children won't be able to show you much appreciation, and will feel guilty about it, making them even harder to deal with. And second, you will gradually grow more and more angry and resentful and, before you know it, you really will be a wicked stepparent. http://www.bodymindhelp.com/stepmoth.htm |
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