| TWENTY GENTLE GUIDELINES FOR STEPMOTHERS |
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TWENTY GENTLE GUIDELINES FOR STEPMOTHERS 1. Go slowly. Give yourself and the kids time...and then more time. Allow yourself--and the kids--time to find your unique place within the family circle. Ooze into the sometimes chilly waters of stepmothering slowly and carefully, one tentative little toe at a time. 2. Let go of unrealistic expectations. The adjustment period for a stepfamily usually takes years rather than weeks or months. Expecting instant-family, affection, and/or acceptance sets us up for instant and continuous disappointments. It's great to have positive attitudes but few specific expectations. 3. Live gently with yourself and others. We learn, grow, and love more readily when coaxed forward by compassion, consideration, and understanding than we do when bludgeoned by self-recrimination and judgment. 4. Seek out the guidance and support you need. It is incredibly wise to seek out those people, groups, and situations in which you can be supported and listened to. We all deserve to be tutored and tenderly cared for as we muddle through the hard times and sail through the joyous ones. 5. Nurture your relationship with your husband. After caring for yourself, caring for your marriage is the most important thing you can do. After the children are grown and have lives of their own, you and your husband will be together. In order for that togetherness to be rewarding, your friendship needs to be nourished along the way. 6. Kids are kids--accept and enjoy them for who they really are. Children are wonderful and blessed beings who can bring untold joy into our lives. But they can also be irritating, demanding, and frustrating as the dickens. Expecting kids to be miniature, civilized adults is unrealistic and futile. 7. Love and care for yourself first, for only then do you truly have love and compassion to give. Take time out to rejuvenate and ruminate. Give yourself permission to rest and enjoy the solitude it takes to stay connected to your own unique inner core. 8. Set and honor realistic limits and boundaries. Choose your battles wisely, and then stick firmly to those limits that are important to your peace of mind and sense of well-being. 9. Expect and accept only respect. Respect for each individual member of a family is non-negotiable. 10. Give yourself credit. Acknowledge your efforts, learn from your mistakes, and celebrate your successes. Give yourself gold stars. 11. Trust yourself and your intuition. Remind yourself that you are wonderfully wise in the art of relationship and quietly access and acknowledge that wisdom at all times. 12. Communicate clearly and truthfully from your heart. It is through communication that we reveal ourselves to others. Through words and actions we are unveiled and, thereby, able to appreciate and value one another. 13. Listen intently with the goal of understanding. Listening in order to more fully understand ourselves and another is one of the most precious gifts we can bestow. 14. Remember that most members of a stepfamily have grief to heal. Because stepfamilies are families born of loss, members (including ourselves) are vulnerable and need time, tenderness, and understanding in order to heal. 15. Try not to take things too personally. A vast majority of the time you are not the real target of the slings and arrows flung in your direction. A wise stepmother learns to duck and dodge. 16. Never say anything derogatory about your children's or stepchildren's natural parents. It's perfectly okay to be a sounding board if the kids need to grump about one of their parents but never wise to agree with them or criticize a natural parent. 17. Treat each child with kindness, courtesy, and respect. The only real requirement of you as a stepmother is to be kind and respectful to your spouse's children. 18. Embrace stepmothering as a spiritual path. Choosing to embrace and care for another's child/children can open our hearts, grow our souls, and add meaning and purpose to our lives. 19. Relax. Lighten up. Laugh. When we can relax, we invite the process of blending a family to unfold in its own time and way. The more flexible and adventuresome we are, the more thoroughly we'll enjoy all aspects of stepmothering/muddling. 20. Hang in there! Almost every stepmother emeritus I know advises, "Hang in there; it's all worth it in the end!" From the book The Courage to Be a Stepmom: Finding Your Place Without Losing Yourself . Copyright © 1999 Sue Patton Thoele. All rights reserved. |
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