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10 STEPS WHEN YOUR MAN HAS CHILDREN YOUR AGE |
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10 STEPS WHEN YOUR MAN HAS CHILDREN YOUR AGE
Step 1. Recognize
that he has had many more years playing father to them than lover to
you. You may have to make allowances, give him time. Remember, there
are limits. You are the adult and are to be treated as such. He is
their father, and to be treated with respect. Counseling will enable
you to define them realistically.
Step 2. Competition often
occurs between a new love and his children. You may feel like you are
directly competing with them. You may be . . . YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
Step
3. If you are close in age he may treat you like one of the children.
This diminishes your authority, and his too. Gently, point out how he
does that. Get an agreement between both of you.
Step 4. He
feels the need to "catch up" when they are together. Usually he feels
that he has not had enough time with his children. Guilt may be the
motivating factor. Discuss and agree on expectations about time spent
with you and time spent with his children.
Step 5. The sexual
bonds between you and your man may come into conflict between him and
his children. The conflicting pulls of sexual and biological energies
within the step relationship can polarize the family.
Step 6.
You may feel that his girls "come on" to him. What he calls cute, and
loving may seem too sexual to you. Competition between daughter and his
woman can be strong. Whose man is he anyway? You can often gain ground
by giving them time together and gently clarifying with him what is
sexual and what is affectionate behavior.
Step 7. Establish
clear job descriptions and expected behaviors between the parent and
the stepparent. What is specifically the job of each one of us in the
household? We need to be specific.
Step 8. The couple needs to
agree on discipline styles. The natural parent generally disciplines,
the stepparent says, "in this house we..."
Step 9. The issue of
money, the "buy me, do me" wants of the children, plus the allocation
of money in general may come as a "negative surprise." Talk about it in
a "non blaming" way.
Step 10. Guard your sense of humor and use it.
http://www.stepfamily.org/
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