| THE WICKED STEPMOTHER, THE MAGIC WAND |
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"THE WICKED STEPMOTHER, THE MAGIC WAND, THE HAPPY ENDING ... and other
Fairytales of the Stepfamily" by Anne Brelsford Senior Relationship
Educator In my role as an Educator for Kinections, I run group programs for stepfamilies. All the families I meet are unique in some respects, but as well, they share many concerns and issues common to that situation of being in a new, blended family. The concerns that are most commonly raised are issues of "settling in" to new roles by the adult partners, and processes for handling relationships with the various children of that family potentially any combination of mine, yours, ours), as well as ongoing issues with ex-partners. Issues raised around the children are many and varied in themselves, ranging from discipline to concerns for the emotional wellbeing of the child/ren. Behind all of these different family stories and needs, however, there are the lingering threads of some popular fairytales, which need to be made visible before the stepfamily can actually address, through communication and problem solving skills, the more obvious "issues" that bring them to our program in the first place. The Wicked Stepmother Being in a stepfamily has had a bad press for a very long time, with the children the inevitable targets of evil step-parents in literature, gossip and folklore. Cinderella is one example, which has lingered in the popular imagination, because of the very prominent role of the Wicked Stepmother, and the parallel aspect of the absent or weak father. Hansel and Gretel certainly experienced a bitter fate at the hands of their own father, under the stepmother's instigation. Many modern "telemovies" chronicle similar stories about the brutal and conniving stepfather who suddenly arrives in the happy family and manipulates a previously loving mother to neglect her own children. Probably these legends tell us less about the nature of stepmothers (or stepfathers) than they do about the human impulse to find a scapegoat, the one who can legitimately be blamed for the heartaches and pain that so many human hearts experience in the process of "family breakdown and reformation". The scapegoat, historically, was the goat over whom Aaron confessed all the sins of the children of Israel, and which was then released to wander in the wilderness. Doubtless many a stepparent feels that they, too, are being unreasonably blamed for all the ills of the new, blended family. It is worth noting that it is not only children who can scapegoat parents. Sometimes it may be the adults who use the child as a scapegoat, blaming him/her for the difficulties of life in the new stepfamily. "If it weren't for Sally being so stubborn, we would be so happy". Stepfamilies have to work to penetrate the ugly quality of the "scapegoat" story, to see the reality of a family dynamic in action, to see and accept the legitimacy of the feelings of all family members not just those of the adults who have formed a new love relationship. If the roles were reversed, and the children each brought home a new fr~iend and said, "This friend is now a member of our family, whether you are ready for this or not", many adults would experience a significant emotional shock! The trials of the hero/heroine One aspect of the family dynamic that is not always clear to the parents (natural or step) is that the children may still be grieving, in a hidden way, for the loss of the original family. Whether the original other parent was lost through death, or divorce, or abandonment, there will always be a sense of grief and loss surrounding those events. There is a temptation to expect that such grieving will be over in a few months and that the children should have "got over it" in a six month or year timeframe. The truth of the matter is that children, like adults, all have a differed healing journey to mate. For some it may be quite rapid, for others a much slower affair. After a separation/divorce, children may secretly go on hoping that the original family will still get back together (Ule child' version of the Happy Ending) long after all possibility of all that has been erased from the real adult relationship. Parents need to be helped to see that this is not stubborn or wilful nonsense; it is simply that children lack all the adult emotional and rational tools for dealing with a major disruption in their life. The feedback that I have from our group programs is that the single most helpful thing a parent in this situation can do is simply to keep re-affirming in a calm way the truth of the situation, recognising the probable feelings of children. "Yes, it is sad that (Mum/Dad) isn't with us any more. But I'm afraid that is the way it is now. But you will still (meet/get letters/get phone calls) from (Mum/Dad). And we will still be together in this new family, with (stepmother/stepfather)". This frequent repetition can strain the nerves of the adults but parents who have been able to stick to the plan insist that keeping calm, and recognising the real feelings of the children, are techniques that really work. The Magic Wand and the Happy Ending The adults who have formed a new relationship hope that their love for each other will be the Magic Wand that erases all grief and loss and binds together this collection of people into a new family, achieving the Happy Ending. These "Brady Bunch" hopes or expectations may never have been articulated, but they will usually be there, hidden deep in the hearts of the adult partners. It is very important for all concerned that the adults bring these hopes out into the light of day and see them for what they are: hopes, not certainties. n may be that the new bonding will "take" and the parent, step-parent, and children will form a loving unit. It may also be that the new bonding will not 'take' and the parent, step-parent. and children will be unable to form a sustainable family, or will form, at best, a manageable unit of individuals sharing the same space. The love of the adult for each other is not in fact a magic wand, if is only one of many factors that will make a difference in this process. The situation and interpersonal stills of the adult pair are a far better indicator of the probable success or failure of the new family. (Margaret Newman, in her excellent work "Stepfamily Realities", addresses some of these communication issues in considerable detail). Ultimately, however, the ability of each partner to name and discuss their expectations of the other with the other is probably the closest thing to a magic wand that can be found in this complex relationship. If the pacers can then manage to help the children through a similar process, that is the hidden treasure, the pot of gold in their very own fairytale. |
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