| How to Succeed in the Stepfather Role |
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Page 1 of 2 This article is addressed to the man who is not succeeding in the
stepfather role with his wife or girl friend's children with whom he
lives. His efforts to join the family by assuming the strong-male
disciplinarian role are not working: Either the children ignore him - -
especially when their mother criticizes his approach in front of them -
- or they submit to his demands with open resentment. The man is never going to succeed as long as his relationship with the children is limited to giving orders, making threats and administering punishment. The bravest among the children will say, "I don't have to obey you. You're not my father!" And that child will have a point. If the man in the house expects to succeed with the children in the house, he must build a person-to-person relationship with them, in which he demonstrates empathy, interest and understanding. Only then will he achieve earned, rather than coercive, authority. And only then will children obey him because they regard him as fair and because they see him as genuinely caring about their well being. If you are the man in question, you should develop a sensitivity to what living in the stepfamily is probably like for the children. As much as possible find out what they went through during their parents' divorce and how the emotional demands of the current situation are probably affecting them. If you lack an empathic understanding of the children's experience, you can't hope to succeed with them. Learn the children's strengths. Find something strong in each child to admire and respect - - and communicate your appreciation to that child - - but in real, not exaggerated, ways. You will need to call upon that sympathetic understanding and appreciation when they fail to do what you've asked them to do - - and that may be often. Do your best not to reflexively take a child's non-compliance personally. E.g., if you ask him to please put the toilet paper roll in the holder and he doesn't, don't automatically treat his behavior as defiance. Otherwise, your honor will be at stake (over toilet paper for heavens sake!), and you will feel compelled to assert your authority in response. |
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