Have You Created a Parenting Plan?   by Len Stauffenger

Every good soldier knows not to cross a battlefield without a map of where the land mines are buried. Your battlefield has become, by default, raising your children in the best manner you know how. For the sake of the children, it would be great if you and the spouse you are divorcing could sit down and create this parenting plan together. If that's not possible, then you need to provide some answers to these questions. Deciding ahead of the time when crucial issues must be decided will give you an edge.
 

About The Children's Feelings

1. Decide how you will tell your children that you are divorcing. Write it out on paper if you aren't good with impromptu speeches.

2. Make sure they know it was not due to anything they did.

3. Tell them what changes you know have to be made and that you'll make them together. Let them know you'll try to keep as much the same as you can.

4. Decide that you won't say anything to them (like making promises) that you can't follow through on. Their stability leans on your follow through.

5. Decide not to badmouth your ex in front of your child. He still loves him or her and deserves to.

6. Children need both parents. Try to keep moving out of the picture.

About Custody

1. Keep up relationships with in-laws whenever possible. It's part of your kids stability.

2. Decide here and now not to use your child's time with his other parent as a battering ram to punish your ex. It will hurt your child.

3. If your ex doesn't show up when promised, don't make it a big deal in front of your kids, no matter how angry that absence makes you.

4. Decide right now that you will not grill your children when they come home from visiting their other parent about him/her or their new mate.

5. Keep an information sheet with all statistical data about the child and be sure his other parent and his child care giver has a copy.

6. Determine which holidays and school breaks will be spent with which parent.

7. Share information about the child's health, school, etc. with his other parent.

8. When communicating, remember this: your child's greatest good is the most important thing.

9. If the child support cannot be paid on time, it can be collected by the court.

10. Which parent will provide health care coverage?

About Goals For The Children

1. See if you and your ex can establish the same levels of discipline. Be reasonable. Examine what TV shows they can watch; what bedtime needs to be honored; what language is appropriate for example.

2. Determine that homework has to be monitored by both of you, not just the parent the child is living with.

3. Set up a picture of where you'd like the kids' achievements to be in x number of years and both of you keep that goal in mind.

4. Don't permit your child to become alienated from his other parent. He needs both parents.

5. Children thrive when their routines aren't varied. Each parent should try to honor the child's normal routine. Consistency will help keep your child level and achieving normally.

6. Consequences for misbehaviors have to be kept consistent by each parent. Decide what they will be and then follow through.

7. Determine what your standards are for achievement in school and each of you work to support the child to achieve them.

8. If your children have special needs, address how they will be supplied by each of you.

About Your Feelings

1. Don't confide your personal less-than feelings to your child. She/he is not a therapist. She/he cannot solve for you.

2. You will need some alone time. Set this up with your ex. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself sane and level - bubble baths; gardening; a hobby. You'll know.

3. Get a coach, a minister, an older aunt/uncle who can help you through tough situations that occur. You'll benefit from having a support team.

4. You will have to put your children's needs before your own until they are grown. Don't ignore your own needs, however. They must be addressed.

5. If there are disputes over child rearing, seek the help of an arbitrator. Don't feel so all alone.

6. Admit that you were wrong to your children if you were. Children love honesty and, frankly, they already knew you were wrong. When you're honest with them, their esteem of you will increase and you'll get to enjoy an open relationship.

These ideas are not all inclusive. There's a lot more you can find on the internet to flesh these in. With a parenting plan, you can prevent your kids from the negative effects your divorce might have on them. It can also prevent a second divorce and your children certainly don't need that. I don't want to see that happen to you either.

About the Author

Len Stauffenger's parents taught him life's simple wisdom. As a divorced dad, he wanted to share that simple wisdom with his girls. "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," his book, is the solution. Len is an author, a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com

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