One of the primary issues that makes life in a stepfamily so challenging is that each person belongs to more than one family constellation: there are biological connections and those created through re-marriage. A 9 y.o. girl who lives with her divorced mother and visits her re-married father whose new wife has two children from her previous marriage is constantly shifting roles. Even when home with her mother, it's not the intact family she knew through her early years and her relationship with her mother may be altered into part confidante, part daughter. Plus if her mother is in a relationship, that adds to the complexity.

When she visits her father, she has a biological parent relationship mixed with the stepmother relationship as well as relating to the two of them as "parents". Then there is the shift from being an only child in one home to having stepsiblings in the other - and if one of the stepsibs is older, she has to adjust to a different sibling position. Of course we need to throw in a new set of stepgrandparents and the remainder of that extended family. Now if her mother remarries and if either or both of the parents have children of their own, the complexities multiply geometrically.

 

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It is easy for any member of such a complex family structure to feel lost, left out, displaced, hurt, angry. Most stepfamilies need assistance to navigate such complex waters in order to achieve stability and healthy relationships. In working with these families, I stress the importance of four recommendations to help preserve each person's core identity which they need in order to cope with the fluidity and the transitions that are a routine part of life in a stepfamily.