Divorce Is Never Easy, Especially For The Children   by Rich Gordon, JD

Divorce. It's never easy. One of the most heart wrenching aspects are the children. In fact, staying together for the sake of the kids may really be a mask for staying together because we don't know how to deal with the emotions.

Of course your kids will be upset by the divorce. Who could blame them? Actually it is a "normal" reaction. It is healthy for children to experience these negative feelings. More importantly, they need to express them. Don't be distressed by their concerns. The best thing you can do for your kids is to accept and support their feelings.

Sometimes pre-scripting your answers can make you feel stronger in your convictions. Here are some suggested ways to be supportive and comforting to your kids.

Does he/she express sadness?

"Yes, I feel sad, too. Mommy and Daddy wanted to live together forever. I'm sad that we can't. Unfortunately we don't always get what we want.

Is he/she angry?

"Yes, I am right there with you. If my parents couldn't live together and I wanted them to, I would be mad, too. But sometimes they just can't go on living together."

Is he/she fearful? "Yes, it can feel scary when things are changing. Especially if we aren't sure what's going to happen next. But you might be surprised, it could turn out to be an adventure, and it can be better than what we've been doing."

Does he/she blame you or themselves? "Yes, I know when things don't go the way we hoped, we think it must be somebody's fault. But sometimes things just happen and it is no one's fault.

The magic word here is YES. The first step is to accept the child's feelings and restore their confidence that you are in agreement with them. Then propose the alternative way of looking at the situation.

We know divorce is never easy and you may need help at this difficult time.

About the Author

Divorce Mediator. End your relationship without more damage to your psyche or pocketbook. Break-up with the least emotional upheaval and lowest cost possible. Contact Rich at GayFriendlyTherapists