When the Other Parent is Poisonous   by Dr. Noel Swanson

Q. My stepson, who is four years old, goes to visit his real mother on weekends if and when she is available because she is constantly in and out of jail and has 86 felonies. These visitations do more harm to our son than good. When he comes back he is very sad and doesn't say a word for hours.

A. Having the mom in jail is a bit unusual, but this situation is very common with separated parents. Usually, of course, the child is living with mom and goes to Dad for the weekend. But the story is often the same: when she comes back from the visits she is either more disruptive and badly behaved, or strangely morose and silent.

So what do you do? It is a very difficult situation.

First, let's be quite clear that putting the child into some sort of therapy is very unlikely to make much of a difference. This is something that needs to be sorted out by the adults.

There are essentially two different scenarios. The first is similar to our reader's, in which the 'other' parent is, in some way 'poisonous'. The second is when there is simply a difference of parenting styles between one home and the other. In this article I will just deal with the former.

This kind of parent is, among other things, unreliable. He promises to call or come, but doesn't show up. This hurts the child deeply because he/she goes through a whole spectrum of feelings, from hope and excitement to disappointment and despair and even guilt.

Often the parent does come and take the child but either ignores the child completely or imposes his/her will on the child. This hurts the child as it gives the impression that he/she is not a priority in the mind of the parent.

Often too, it is not just the child who is caught up with the manipulations. Many times I have seen mothers changing their plans at the last minute to accommodate a sudden pronouncement from the other as to what they will, or won't, do this weekend.

Then, in addition to their unreliability, they may also use the child as a pawn to convey messages (usually uncomplimentary) to the custodial parent. Or they may just spend the whole weekend criticizing and derogating the mother.

All of this is very harmful to the child, as it undermines all sense of worth and belonging. They desperately want to be loved and accepted, yet at every turn they seem to be cast off by this parent who, at the same time, keeps saying how much they care.

Unfortunately, parents who are this slippery, are often equally difficult to deal with through the courts. They are adept at casting themselves in a good light, since there is rarely any factual evidence to back up mom's complaints.

So, how to deal with such a parent? The answer is: be firm and strong but that is easier said than done. Here are some suggestions to keep in mind:

First, explore the option of mediation or the courts. In such an extreme case the other parent should probably be denied access to the child. Of course, it will probably be more difficult to convince the courts.

If that option is not likely, then get a clear agreement regarding visits, including the date, time and duration etc. But, the problem is of the other parent not showing up despite the promises.

Then, having got that clarity, stick to it. Do not allow phone calls outside of the prescribed times. Do not allow the times of the visits to be changed to the other's convenience. If the agreement is for the child to be picked up between 5pm and 6pm on Friday, then wait until 6pm only. If there is another no-show, go out! Do not be available when he finally turns up at 8.30pm expecting to pick up his daughter.

Keep a record of exactly what happens and when. You will need this when you go back to court. You may also want to seek expert opinions to testify as to the effects of all of this on the child.

In the meantime, continue to be as affirming, warm, positive and supportive for the times when she is with you. Do not make excuses for the other parent's failures. But also do not go on about them either. Focus on making the times with you as secure and 'normal' as you can.

As an ultimate step you might have to think of moving out of the town or state to make the visits more impractical. But, before you decide to take such a drastic step, make sure your opinion about the other parent is not based on prejudices against him. Think objectively, or talk it over with a friend or counselor before moving out.

About the Author

Dr. Noel Swanson is the author of The GOOD CHILD Guide for managing children's behaviors and writes for an excellent parenting website.Click here to get your own unique version of this article.