Stepfamily Association

Rick and Nancy have been married before. Both of their first marriages ended quickly. Rick is reluctant to try his hand at marriage again. He wants this one to last. I understand the issues involved. I am the one who will counsel them.

I am a Baptist minister. I pastor a church on the coast of South Carolina, and I join many couples each year in remarriage. What fun it is to watch a couple plan their wedding with eagerness and expectation! So much time and energy is spent on the ceremony, a time for tradition, romance and family. As their minister, I personally am more concerned about the marriage than the wedding. The bride and groom should be concerned as well. The ceremony only lasts 30 minutes to an hour. The marriage should last for a lifetime.

Here are the top five reasons people get divorced:

Selfishness. This is the biggest relationship destroyer. Rick does not think of his spouse as much as he thinks of himself Nancy does not either. She only thinks about how Rick can bring her happiness. When two people who are both looking to get all they can out of a relationship without giving just as much get together, doom is inevitable.

Unmet expectations. Many people think their spouses should meet every need, fulfill them completely, romance them every hour, agree with all their decisions, give sex on demand, love their in-laws, and allow them the same freedom they had when they were single. Imperfect people want perfect spouses.

Ineffective communication. Men use fewer words than women and never express themselves as well as they should. Women are frustrated that men find more fulfillment in their jobs than in their families. Rick does not understand how Nancy´s phrase "Do what you want, can mean "You´ll pay for this later." Or how "I´m not upset, really means "Of course I´m upset and you´d better notice." Or how "I need new shoes" really means "I have 40 pairs of good shoes, but none of them match this new outfit." Nancy does not understand that Rick´s fascination for watching sports on TV does not mean that he does not love her.

Inability to work through past hurts. Everybody brings baggage into their marriages, especially from previous relationships. If Nancy´s first husband told her that she was fat, she will verbally destroy Rick the first time he innocently mentions her eating habits. If Rick´s first wife was a nag, then Nancy may be shocked when Rick reacts in anger to her gentle nudges to take out the trash.

The belief that something is missing. People watch movies in which the characters are always madly in love, living in constant passion. This does not happen in real life. When Nancy wakes up each morning to a smelly, hairy mass lying next to her, she wonders if she missed the prince in her storybook romance. When Rick finds that his wife is not always ready and eager to be seduced, he wonders where that sexy woman has gone. Suddenly, the grass becomes greener as they ponder whether or not they could find more fulfillment with someone else.

There is no way to determine for certain which couples will be compatible. However, the potential for divorce can be minimized if the couple is aware of the factors that contribute to marriage breakdowns. This minister hates to see a person get married and divorced over and over as the result of bringing lousy habits and wrong attitudes into every relationship.